TIS THE SEASON…

I get home from work and there’s an air sealed sausage sitting on the counter…my mom goes “reminded me of you.”

She sees me.

The other week, my friends and I planned a classic “order Chinese food and have a chill night in.” I, as the incredibly selfless person I am, offered to pick up the food. Never again.

As I walk in to the restaurant, I immediately notice “Animals” by Maroon 5 blasting on the speakers. I think, “odd choice for this vibe,” but nonetheless, continue my walk to the back where the “pick-up” station is located.

I start by yelling out the name of my friend who placed the order, “ANDIE,” I project with confidence. I receive a confused expression, “not seeing an Andie, do you have the phone number it’s under?” “Sure,” I respond and suggest my friend’s cell to which no order is attached.

Simultaneously to this interaction, I felt the need to lighten the mood so I begin to dance and mouth the lyrics to “Animals” all while looking directly into this guy’s eyes. I then, pull out my phone to text Andie what the order is under and then I see it…..

“Animals” was blasting from my phone. I was playing the song. For those who aren’t getting the gravity of the situation, this means that I walked into this SILENT Chinese restaurant blasting MY OWN SONG, walked all the way through the dining area, and then proceeded to dance and enjoy MAROON 5’S ANIMALS THAT I WAS PLAYING on my OWN device. I instantly pause the song to which a silence I have never heard before in my life filled the room. I heard a fork and knife clink. Never doing anything nice for my friends again. The order was under her home phone by the way.

In other news……. I got a bloody nose on the train during my morning commute. Started gushing blood out of my nose and I didn’t have a tissue so I had to TAKE A FUCKING MENSTRUAL PAD OUT OF MY BAG UNWRAP IT AND SHOVE IT ON MY FACE. If you don’t know how loud unwrapping a pad is, I’m forever envious of you. Great way to start the day, if you ask me.

  • "what's a good gift for an adult woman?" "a fancy version of something normal"

    Random conversation between two random people

  • "omg you gotta go to the wild beaver saloon"

    Random Person

  • "no there was about 40000 drunk fake blondes screaming"

    Random Person

  • "i dont even care about big time rush obvi but ice skating concert is hilarious"

    Random Person

Parting PSA: if you haven’t started listening to Christmas trap music you’re doing yourself a major disservice. It’s the genre of the season.